Domestic Violence and Suicide

Most people trapped in an abusive relationship choose one of three options. The majority try to stick it out till the children grow up and get out of school. A few decide enough is enough and find the strength and support to walk out. They often find help and support at a domestic violence shelter, where they draw inspiration from others in similar plights.  Increasingly however, there is a third option that is becoming more visible; of putting an end to it all, by putting an end to their lives. Tired of being pushed around beyond endurance, physically tortured, verbally abused and bullied, the victim hits a plateau from where there is no way but out. This is not an easy choice to make, and the fact that a human being at the prime of life makes this decision is an indication of the intensity of the unspeakable punishment he/she has suffered, unknown to the rest of society or sometimes even friends and family.

There are clues to suicidal behavior which might alert those close to the domestic violence victim and it would be well worth the effort to keep an eye open for these, if there is any indication of violence in the household. Even while withholding facts about the abuse due to a misplaced sense of loyalty to the spouse, or for the sake of family honor, the victim might whimsically speak of suicide or what it would be like to simply die. A normally depressed or introverted person might quite unexpectedly appear extraordinarily cheerful, as if a great burden has been lifted. The reverse is also applicable where victims of domestic violence cut off all contact with loved ones and remains incommunicado. They might decide to part with prized possessions which they had treasured earlier. Some might even go the distance and put their documents in order, like drawing up a will and so on. Those who looked to alcohol or drugs for comfort might get uncaring and overindulge, loosing all control.

The ones who choose life over death are often times met with insurmountable obstacles. The sense of entrapment and powerlessness that is experienced within an abusive relationship is heightened when they actually want to leave, because, for some bizarre reason the abuser who treats his victim with such loathing is highly disinclined to let her go. The moment she asserts herself, and makes known her decision to leave he is not prepared to do so. In fact he goes to extreme measures to make sure her dependency on him for survival is assured. He sabotages all her moves for freedom. When all else fails his thoughts turn more and more destructive.

A noteworthy fact while on this topic is the rising statistic of abusers who take their own lives. Most however, do so after killing their partner or at least attempting to do so. According to the Washington State Domestic Violence Fatality Review,  “Almost a third of the 320 abusers who committed homicides between January 1997 and June 2006, committed homicide-suicides. An additional 12 abusers killed themselves after attempting homicide.”  This is in spite of increasing facilities for domestic violence counseling widely available to such tormented souls. When they fail to take their victim’s life before they themselves commit suicide, the abuser commits the ultimate manipulation by blaming the victim for his death unconditionally and irrevocably. It seems as if even in death his only aim is to inflict as much emotional damage as he possibly can, to make certain he has done all he could have, to ruin the victim’s life. His compulsive need to control her thus extends beyond the grave.

In a violent relationship, therefore, suicide seems a highly possible outcome for both abuser as well as the abused. For the abuser, the thought turns to destroying the partner before finishing himself off. The escalating degree of violence can only end in the ultimate act of destruction. Intervening bodies whether in the form of family, friends, volunteer agencies competent in domestic violence support, or even governmental institutions set up for domestic violence prevention,  prove quite inadequate in their efforts to salvage such broken relationships let alone save lives. The answers to this burning problem somehow seems to lie outside the grasp of law and legality, perhaps to be found in the wounded psyche of childhood which contributed to the emergence of thought processes so distorted as to grossly hurt a fellow human-being, especially one who had professed undying love; the one who was promised love, protection and cherishing, till death did them part.

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