Domestic Violence: Non-physical Signs

Signs of violence are exhibited by both abuser and abused. Physical violence of course, leaves telltale bruises on the victim that may range from a few scratches to broken bones. However, it is one of the most amazing domestic violence facts that victims often go to great lengths to cover up signs of abuse.

It is almost as if the victim is a co-perpetrator, an accessory to the act by refusing to reveal information that could actually help to stop the criminal acts. Victims are known to stay out of sight until the black-eye has healed or the swelling has receded. This ‘protection’ encourages the abuser by lulling him into a feeling of security that his cover will not be blown; thereby allowing him to get away with his heinous behaviour, and the domestic violence abuse continues.

How then does one identify an abuser? This is worth mulling over, because the average batterer is not the stereotypical figure of a hulk wielding an axe, or even an illiterate social misfit reeking of liquor. They come in all shapes and sizes and from all walks of life; sporting white collars and blue collars, in Porsches and Toyotas, wielding Blackberries and spades. They are everywhere camouflaged in various social garbs that make it hard to identify them as mean perpetrators of domestic violence against women.

But to a keen observer of social drama, these characters inadvertently reveal themselves. If a woman who is normally gregarious and fun loving when with her friends, clams up the minute her spouse walks in the door, something is definitely not right. This is what may be called the ‘eggshell syndrome,’ where she has to be careful what she says, who she talks to, to not laugh too loud or show any interest in anyone in particular. Rather, she turns to a pale shadow of what she was a few minutes ago up until he showed up.

The abuser then proceeds to ignore her, interrupt any attempt she might make at conversation, make insulting remarks as to her make-up, dress or hair in an attempt to undermine her self-confidence. He may even pay inordinate attention to other women present in order to disdain her further. Heaven help her if she ever protests even mildly, because he will seize that opportunity to convert the psychological abuse to something physical.

Another noticeable trait is the fear the victim displays, especially when it comes to money matters. When out with a friend who doesn’t think twice about splurging on new shoes, the abused woman, even when a social equal, would certainly be hesitant about spending on herself and might even mention that her husband might not like it. This fear points to something much deeper than financial insecurity, especially when the man walks only on Gucci.

Pictures of domestic violence victims need not always be that of a woman sporting a black-eye; they can be hidden behind the confident façade of a career woman. When a co-worker turns up late for work often, or doesn’t turn up at all but calls in sick almost on a regular basis, there may be more to it than meets the eye.

Lack of concentration at work, low output, always in debt in spite of a well-paying job etc., are signs that something is not quite right. There might be upsetting phone-calls, depression, excessive smoking or binge-eating, all of which may be signs of abuse.

Another pattern they may show is that of always accepting blame for anything that goes wrong at the work place. They become willing scapegoats simply to avoid any conflicts they fear may arise, if the issue is allowed to progress. As a result they are the ones stuck with jobs nobody else would touch with a bargepole. Their lack of self-assertion makes them vulnerable victims of office bullies. Bursting into tears over a cup of spilt coffee may most certainly point to an underlying problem of higher significance.

While the signs of physical battering are there for all to see, it is often hard to identify victims of verbal abuse. But there are a host of personality traits that reveal tales of abuse. If these signs are compounded with the more visible signs of physical abuse, it may be definitely safe to conclude that things are not what they seem.
 
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