Domestic Violence and Sibling Relationships
Domestic Violence and Sibling Relationships
Children exposed to domestic violence are ripped out of the innocent confines of their childhood and planted bang in the middle of adult experiences at their goriest. The trauma this engenders can be studied, researched and analyzed till you are blue in the face, but it doesn't do much for the actual victims. These kids have lost their grounding and have been unmoored before they were ready for an independent life.
A major effect of domestic violence on children is their violent growth spurt from happy naiveté to the burden of the knowledge of life acquired far too early. They are ill-prepared to bear this and it results in various repercussions. Some fold under the stress and remain frozen at this emotional age even while the physical body attains maturity. They grow into adults with the mental temerity of a frightened child. They are socially inept citizens incapable of forming healthy relationships with peers or even with their own siblings.
The older sibling in a violent family is the most affected in the sense that he or she is more keenly aware of what's going on than the younger ones. This child then reacts in one of many ways. Some instinctively take over the parenting of the younger siblings and turn protector. They become the emotional parent and look out for the brothers and sisters, taking care to shield them as much as possible from the scenes of domestic violence.
A strong bond develops between these siblings as a result. This has been witnessed by true life accounts where years later the younger siblings who are now adults, reminisce gratefully about how their older brother or sister held them safe under the bed while the violence raged overhead. They remember how they felt comforted by the reassurance of this older child that everything would soon be alright.
A strong bond develops between these siblings as a result. This has been witnessed by true life accounts where years later the younger siblings who are now adults, reminisce gratefully about how their older brother or sister held them safe under the bed while the violence raged overhead. They remember how they felt comforted by the reassurance of this older child that everything would soon be alright.
These kids even devise games and organize activities to divert their attention from the ongoing violence. In the school yard where it is normal for siblings from non-violent families to pretend to not know each other, these older brothers and sisters watch out and protect their younger flesh and blood from any violence. In fact they always and for as long as they live, have an eye and a ear open for the welfare of their younger siblings, even after they reach adulthood and live miles apart.
Some even take on the responsibility of caring for the victim parent by nursing her wounds, and attempting to persuade her to take her food and medicine. This reverse parenting can go to extreme lengths where the victim comes to depend on these little shoulders for support and cause them to bend and sometimes even break. Some kids refuse to go into foster homes believing their leaving is a kind of desertion, and even assume all the blame for any ensuing tragedy. They prefer to remain behind and take care of their siblings and mother.
These little child victims of domestic violence often exhibit enormous reserves of mental fortitude and resources, rising up to meet challenging situations with uncanny clear sightedness and thinking that may fail an adult.
They learn to watch out for signs of domestic violence and become adept at adopting ways of avoiding it. But this doesn't mean it leaves them unscathed. These little heroes grow into insecure, highly neurotic adults whose glasses are always half empty. They always expect to be hit and hurt and react as if eternally under attack. They never know peace of mind until finally one day they snap and wind up on the analyst's couch.
They learn to watch out for signs of domestic violence and become adept at adopting ways of avoiding it. But this doesn't mean it leaves them unscathed. These little heroes grow into insecure, highly neurotic adults whose glasses are always half empty. They always expect to be hit and hurt and react as if eternally under attack. They never know peace of mind until finally one day they snap and wind up on the analyst's couch.
Other kids turn on their younger siblings like the father does on the mother. This is the only form of communication they know of and are capable of emulating and they unconsciously do a good job of it.
They bully and intimidate their younger siblings in a bid to vent their own unfathomable frustrations. An unloved child is a frustrated child, chased by demons he or she can't name or identify.
All they know is that something terribly important is missing in their lives and keeping them from feeling whole and satiated. This follows them into adulthood and wrecks the lives of those who come into their lives.
Some children who grow up figure out the missing piece and go on to find it in loving relationships that finally complete the picture of their lives. Others live on uncomprehending, ultimately uncaring, leaving destroyed lives in their wake. What began as something as innocuous as sibling rivalry ends up in full scale violence inflicted on whoever is unfortunate enough to cross their path.
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