Is Verbal Abuse a form of Domestic Violence
Is Verbal Abuse a form of Domestic Violence?
Domestic violence is an issue that brings to mind violent acts committed by a big strong male against a weak, fragile woman, cowering in a corner, helpless to defend herself against the onslaught. She would most probably have a bloodied lip, a black eye or cheeks flaming from a series of tight slaps. In extreme cases she would be lying prone on the ground, perhaps unconscious, having hit her head as she fell.
If this case were to become public, there would be much deserved sympathy and offers of help for the poor, broken victim. That is how it should be. In this situation, the signs of domestic violence are there for everyone to see.
Imagine if we take the same couple out of this situation and put them in one where the same emotions rule, but the man never lays a finger on the woman. No, he does not believe in physical violence where you would see signs of abuse. But he does not see anything wrong in calling her rude, insulting names.
He vents his frustrations and mindless anger in a stream of invectives, each word punctuated with abusive, four-letter words. He tells her how pathetic she is, how completely useless, ugly, fat, sexless, unattractive, stupid, lazy and worthless he sees her.
He resorts to throwing objects on the floor or flinging them against walls, barely missing her, but succeeding in creating a sense of terror. Then he storms out the door slamming it shut with a deafening thud, leaving her flinching. If she were to bring this up, she would be faced with the question, “Did he hurt you?” to which she would have to sadly nod in the negative. To actually qualify as a violent act, verbal abuse would have to draw blood, or so it would seem. Clearly the definition of domestic violence must be re-written.
Verbal abuse–sticks and stones they say, but in fact it is spears and swords that hit you right where you live, in your heart. You do not see any actual bleeding, any wounds or scars to show outside trauma. Even the victim may come to believe that all is well…forgiven and forgotten. But the pain never leaves.
The perpetrator believes it is all right, since he has not actually slapped or beaten or even touched the so-called victim. He self-righteously believes he is a much better person than the spouse-beater. Domestic violence statistics would not include gentlemen like him in their list of perpetrators.
In the domestic front, husbands do it; wives do it. They hurt each other with words and cause endless pain, which carries over into the other spheres of family life, even affecting children. But society condones it as normal marital behaviour, or something that is simply not worth serious consideration.
While an occasional flare-up might be thus swept under the rug, the horrible trauma caused by constant and calculated verbal abuse is a slow poison that kills the victim by increasing degrees psychologically, emotionally, spiritually, and sometimes even physically.
Why, then, is there a reluctance to recognize this extreme form of abuse as an act of violence?
The answer probably lies in the fact that domestic violence against a woman is so widely prevalent that it ceases to horrify. It is just another domestic violence story to be soon forgotten by all, except the victim.
In some situations, the perpetrator even shows signs of remorse and comes back home with a bunch of flowers or maybe even diamonds, depending on the social situation, completely expecting to be forgiven and welcomed back gratefully. The victim desperately hoping that it will never happen again complies.
She is going to be such a good wife that he can’t but love and cherish her. Yeah right; when pigs fly. The drama is repeated again and again, until one fine day, one of two things happen: she either breaks down completely, or it finally dawns on her that she really shouldn’t have to put up with this.
If she is lucky and uses only her mind and disregards her heart completely (it wasn’t telling her the truth, anyway), she will get the heck out of this destructive cycle while she is still in one piece--at least physically, if not emotionally.
The harm caused by this virulent form of abuse is hard to quantify, and therefore not considered a cause for concern by many outsiders. The only witness to the damage done is the victim herself. The one who causes the damage is not even aware of the repercussions of his actions, and in most cases doesn’t really care even if he was aware.
A common justification is that it was said in a bout of anger and he “didn’t really mean it”, or, “it just came out that way and was not meant to sound like that.” But that is cold comfort for the abused who continues to suffer silently, while pretending desperately that all is well, not only to society, but herself, too.
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